The Beginning of The End

 Dear Brad,

It's only been 10 days since we sat at the dinner table, barely talking, focused on whatever else we had on our minds. Ten days since you occupied your usual spot, at your favorite hangout, laughing with friends while I stayed home, too tired to be bothered. Ten days since you kissed me and told me you loved me. Ten days since you texted "omw" but didn't make it home.

It's only been 2 days since everyone who knew you, loved you said our goodbyes on a sunny afternoon underneath the shade of the trees. Two days since I held that beautiful urn in my hands and put you into the ground beside my son, my grandparents. 

For 17 years you've been my constant. My anchor in life's storms. You were my strength, my reminder to keep going when TJ died and every one of those hard moments my grief was threatening to pull me under. What am I supposed to do now you're gone? Who will pull me into their arms and quiet the storms? Where do I go from here? We may have had trials through our relationship, but I knew I always had you to get me through.

This didn't feel like reality when I arrived at the scene. Not even when I had to make the decision to remove the machines making your heart continue to beat, because there was no hope of you returning to me. I have all this grief and sadness thats bigger than I am. It's like waves crashing... an ebb and flow with every breath. The hardest part of this pain is still wishing for you to walk through the door even though it's an impossibility. 

I hope wherever you went, whatever is next, you can still feel my love. Because I still feel yours.

Love Always, J ❤